Envirobortion: an immodest proposal to use voluntary abortion to save the environment and enhance human nutrition

An immodest proposal that also preserves and extends a woman’s right to choose, is self-regulating, market-driven and self-financing while improving medical research and the environment while voluntarily reducing potentially inferior populations… all accomplished incrementally

By Dr. Joseph Mangeleasy, PhD, NSAES, Lifetime Member of Mensa International from early childhood (excluding years 1943 through 1945 inclusive) and the seven-time recipient of the very prestigious All Ivy Defender of the Faith Award
Editor’s note: Dr. Joseph Mangeleasy’s most recent biography of Margaret Sanger, ‘Planned Parenthood’s Prophetess of Perfection’, will be available at the next full moon.

— Kramer Killread Esquire, Editor-in-Chief
New Tampa Guide to Sane Automobile Repair
(https://guidetosaneautorepair.wordpress.com/)

September 1, 2015, Berlin, Rensselaer County, New York – Feel like this year’s July 4th celebration was a little hotter than last year’s? Probably true for most of you, as this July was the planet’s warmest month on record. The average temperature was 61.86 degrees Fahrenheit, besting the mark of the previous July records set in 1998 and 2010 by a full one-seventh of a degree according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. While one-seventh of a degree doesn’t sound like much, it is, for as NOAA notes, the previous records were broken by a 20th of a degree or less. One-seventh of a degree is a very large jump. There is a hot time on the old planet tonight and it is getting hotter all the time!

As Californians fry and the drought on the west coast continues unabated, new research proves beyond a denier’s doubt that the increasing temperatures are caused by the burning of fossil fuels and the other activities of Mother Earth’s human populations as these rapidly growing populations attempt to provide themselves with electricity and other forms of energy for transportation, cell phones, tablets, clothing, shelter and other necessities such as food… while California’s forests burn to ash. And not just in California, as forest fires burn uncontrolled in Oregon, Washington, Idaho and Montana. And the wild fires of our west are just one indication of what is to come. First you will be consumed by the heat or die of thirst and then, if you survive, you risk drowning as the polar ice melts and the oceans rise to create ocean front property in Arizona, pretty much doing away with most of California and much of the east coast. Bye-bye Manhattan, so long Florida… sacrificed to the needs of ever growing human populations as man-made climate change rages on!

“How fast are Mother Earth’s ravenous human populations growing?” you ask. There are 7 billion now and that number will grow to over 9 billion by 2050. There is a lot of unprotected hanky-panky going on in the boudoirs of the under classes of Mother Earth’s industrialized nations in spite of the easy availability of birth control… and in the poverty stricken of Mother Earth’s third world, unprotected hanky-panky is even more rampant!
Here in America, no matter how many edible cucumbers are sacrificed in sex education classes, unprotected sex marches on or should I say thrusts forward in our poorer neighborhoods. Given our experiences with the under classes here in America, there is little hope that making birth control readily available to third world human populations will reduce the birth rate of these populations. What is the result of all this unprotected hanky-panky… aside from aids and other sexually transmitted disease? Offspring, tons and tons of human offspring!

Do you not tire paying for all those “free” breakfast, lunch and dinner programs at your public schools… programs required by all those surplus human offspring. And there are all those “free” food stamp programs… and all those “free” healthcare programs.. and “free” cell phones and lots other “free” stuff… paid for by you and me, for there is no such thing as a free lunch unless, of course, you are a member of the hanky-panky poor and their inadvertent offspring… as their ever increasing needs destroy Mother Earth!

Those least capable of caring for the results of their unprotected hanky-panky continue to breed like rabbits. Want to get frightened? Check out Worldometer’s population counter at http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/.

And over a billion of our present world-wide human populations are chronically malnourished and starving. Do you not tire of having “Dances with the Stars” or some other of your favorite programs interrupted by the burning image of a poor African child, bare-foot and almost naked, with a huge distended belly, standing in an open sewer and staring at you with those large very sad eyes, a tear running down her right cheek as she holds out her left hand pleading for a tiny morsel to eat? … all captured on your new high-def flat screen 60-inch TV screen! Breaks your heart! And there is some fat blond bimbo standing off to the right of the poor starving urchin saying something like, “For 25 cents a week you can feed and clothe this poor child and give her a future.”

Why the hell doesn’t that fat blond bimbo skip a meal. She could feed a whole village and lose a pound or two of ugly belly fat in the bargain. And what happens when you donate that 25 cents a week, a mere dollar a month? The urchin grows up and has a bunch more offspring and where there was one poor urchin standing in an open sewer, there are now ten! Some solution. The more you feed them, the larger this population grows. And with your heart close to breaking you continue to feed them.
The result: these billions multiply and place even greater stress on our precious environment causing even more global warming driving even more man-made climate change and you continue to feed them enabling even more unprotected hanky-panky causing more offspring causing more global warming causing more man-made climate change in a never ending cycle of environmental destruction. As economist Jeffrey Sachs, columnist for Scientific American and Earth Institute director points out, “Agriculture is the main driver of most ecological problems on the planet. We are literally eating away the other species on the planet.”

To expand food production, humans deforest the environment and destroy Earth’s bio-diversity. Humans fertilize the fields with nitrous oxide which, in turn, pollutes the water. Their ever-increasing cattle herds produce methane by the ton and account for one third of all global greenhouse gas emissions from human activity.
Sound far-fetched? One cow releases a total of 70 to 120 kg of methane utilizing both ends to efficiently produce this prodigious output. The destructive effect of this methane on the environment is 23 times greater than that of the greenhouse gas carbon dioxide. World-wide there are 1.5 billion cows and bulls who burp and fart out the equivalent of two billion tons of CO2 a year, one third of global greenhouse gas emissions from all human activity… bovine revenge on a truly gastronomically Herculean scale!

What is today’s solution to this bovine methane madness? You are told to give up your medium-rare rib-eye and become a vegetarian so that you can continue to feed those starving billions enabling them to continue to breed like rabbits and produce ever more starving billions.
And what other environmental policies are put in place? Reduce your use of fossil fuels, drive a very expensive electric car with a top speed of 25 miles per hour for a maximum of 30 minutes before recharging the batteries, turn off your lights, stop watching your 60-inch HD flat screen TV after already giving up your rib-eye for a bowl of rabbit food… an appropriate delicacy given that much of the population is breeding like rabbits.

How successful are all these environmental policies? Not very. Whatever success they have is countered by your humanity… your understandable inability to stand the sight of starving children and thus your humane and compassionate need to feed them. In fact not only does your compassionate feeding of Earth’s starving billions negate whatever environmental progress those policies may accomplish, that compassionate feeding actually makes things worse, for feeding those breeding billions enables them to continue to breed and add even more billions of starving and malnourished to their numbers placing even more stress on Mother Earth. The destruction of our environment continues apace with the needs of our ever increasing human populations. Eventually Mother Earth will run out of even rabbit food. Soylent green anyone?

What to do about this conundrum… this Gordian knot of consuming human compassion and entangling environmental policies that fuel global warming by enabling human populations to continue to grow and to continue their inexorable destruction of Mother Earth? Truth is, Mother Earth’s human populations are now committing the slow motion compassionate suicide of the species as they destroy their very source of sustenance, for they are eating their seed corn.

We must slice through this suicidal compassion and these ineffective environmental policies. With an Alexandrian slash of reason’s mighty sword, we must cut this Gordian knot once and for all and formulate a nuanced solution to save Mother Earth by first attacking the problem at its source… the human uterus. That is where the problem originates and that is where the solution must begin!
The obvious and most efficient solution is some form of required sterilization combined with medical procedures, such as mandatory abortions, to control any excess population that sterilization failed to prevent under the supervision of a benevolent government. National governments, perhaps under United Nations leadership and auspices, could regulate the sterilizations of inferior populations and require abortions and other medical procedures where necessary.

However, with the unfortunate history of National Socialist Germany casting a long shadow over the future with its heavy-handed eugenics programs, mandatory abortions and sterilizations eventually evolving into a ‘final solution’, it is foolhardy and ultimately self-destructive to expect today’s populations, particularly the elite populations of the United States and Europe, to even tolerate policies to reduce surplus breeding implemented through direct actions by governments even though they sympathize with those policies’ goals. Just will not happen!

To overcome this reluctance on the part of the elites to use direct force, governments must establish a softer, indirect strategy to attack the problem and attack it at its aforementioned source: the human uterus. They must establish a strategy that encourages women to have abortions voluntarily. Such a strategy has the added advantage of eliminating the visual objects that cause self-destructive compassion. If the program established to implement such a strategy is successful, there is no need for any other programs. To reduce the financial burden of such a program and eliminate the need for direct funding by the government and the onerous concomitant tax increases, the program must also be self-funding.

How is this to be done? What program can governments adopt to encourage women to voluntarily participate? Governments should take a page from the economic theories of capitalism’s sacred, gas belching cow, Adam Smith his very own self, and use his “invisible hand” to set in motion the market forces necessary to encourage women to participate in the program. In other words, governments must unleash the forces of the marketplace and use the fingers of the market’s “invisible hand” to gently guide women to seek abortions voluntarily. Such a plan requires no governmental force: Women will choose to participate willingly.

How would such a program work? Easy, make the abortions free! Not only make the abortions free, but pay women to have them and pay them in such a way that there is an incentive to continue participation when necessary. There is no need to force sterilizations and abortions. There is no need for more expensive but failing birth control programs. There is no need for messy judicial proceedings that can have historical repercussions.

Many of you reading this, particularly my dedicated Progressive fellow travelers, are shocked by the use of capitalism to accomplish one of our most important and cherished goals. Remember, we have never denied that the forces of the capitalism’s marketplace exist. Rather we have maintained that these forces are immoral because they create the income inequality we so detest. This proposal uses the invisible hand of government to direct the invisible hand of capitalism’s marketplace to accomplish the goal of reducing the world’s populations and thus reducing the destruction of Mother Earth by the munching millions upon millions. I call these abortions Envirobortions.

How do governments make the Envirobortion Program self-funding and even more invisible? They use private non-profit organizations such as Planned Parenthood to perform the envirobortions and allow them to manage the program. To cover costs, these organizations will harvest high-quality fetal tissue for medical research and sell the tissue to pharmaceutical corporations for research.
Pharmaceutical corporations are willing to pay and pay dearly for this basic research material as they compete to discover the next cure for some disease like Alzheimer’s or some incurable genetic condition, for these cures are worth millions. Planned Parenthood has already established what can be considered a successful pilot for such a self-funding program and they already sell fetal tissue to pharmaceutical corporations.

The competition for the fetal tissue will create a market place that will cause the price for this tissue to rise enabling the non-profit organization to cover even more of the cost of the “free” envirobortions.

And the harvest is not over. There is even more money to be made to further cover the costs of the program. The non-profit organizations can then sell the remaining fetal tissue to food processing corporations. These corporations are already adept at using protein, such as that extracted from soy beans, to create substitutes for meat products in general and beef products in particular. And they already use turkey to produce substitute beef products such as “turkey pastrami,” which can be purchased at any supermarket today. It would be relatively easy for them to create substitute beef products from the harvested protein.
Initially, the availability of fetal protein will be limited and thus in short supply. These food processing corporations would compete for the limited supply of this protein in order to create protein rich, high-priced delicacies. In turn, these delicacies are marketed to compete with other meat delicacies such as Kobe beef. Kobe beef sells for at least $100.00 a pound and can sell for as much as $350 a pound.
The “invisible hand” of the unprincipled free market would direct food processing corporations to create beef substitute delicacies to compete in this marketplace and they would be encouraged to do so by the price advantage they would enjoy since the protein they are using is much cheaper than Kobe beef and other expensive beef delicacies. I have great confidence in these enterprising corporations to develop the high quality beef substitute beef products and the marketing strategies necessary to compete in this market. To get the program rolling, the government would offer these corporations generous tax credits.

As the Envirobortion Program expands and the supply of fetal protein increases, the government can set up a grading program similar to that of the USDA in order to protect the established high-priced delicacy market and expand into the less expensive markets. Thus, the highest quality protein would be labeled SUPER PRIME. The next grade would be PRIME, then CHOICE and then SELECT, the last grade. Fetal protein that does not qualify for human consumption would be used for pet food.

Now that the Envirobortion Program has expanded and the supply of fetal protein greatly increased, the same food processing corporations would develop and market less expensive beef-substitute products to compete in the much larger beef market for standard cuts of beef which will over time reduce the demand for beef. As the market for beef shrinks, the cattle herds will also shrink. As a result, there will be fewer cows to defile the environment with their double-barreled unnatural gaseous assault on our precious Mother Earth.

To maximize the quality and the weight of fetal tissue, the non-profit, following government regulation, would pay women according to the weight of the fetus. To avoid complications during an envirobortion, government regulation would require envirobortions no later than 39 weeks to avoid medical complications. Since the fetus averages a good 6.9 lbs at 39 weeks, many women, if not most, will choose 39 weeks for the procedure. After the first envirobortion, the non-profits would give bonuses for additional envirobortions to encourage continued participation in the program and insure a steady supply of the product.

How would this program reduce the potentially inferior populations who require public assistance… those who breed most and are least capable of caring for the results of that breeding activity because of their culture and the resulting poverty? The answer is quite simple: Because these breeders are in need of money, they will voluntarily participate in the Envirobortion Program. The chances of them changing their behavior and reducing or eliminating unplanned breeding is quite small but it does not really matter. Most will continue to hanky-panky to their vibrating uterus’s delight and continue to participate in the Envirobortion Program for the money… a win-win of sorts in a strange kind of way.

Planned Parenthood has already provided what can be considered a feasibility study by placing 79% of its abortion clinics within walking distance of poor neighborhoods, most of which are African-American or Hispanic. That is where the market is for their abortion services.

In 2011 (the last year for which statistics are available), the Center for Disease Control found that 78% of all abortions performed in New York City were performed on African-Americans and Hispanics. There were 76,251 abortions performed. (Note: that is 526,131.9 pounds of wasted protein with a market value of more than $26 million at half today’s price of Kobe beef.) Abortions of African-Americans accounted for 35,188 (242,797.2 pounds of protein, over $12 million in market value) or 46.1% of the total. Abortions of Hispanics accounted for 23,959 (165,317.1 pounds of protein or over $8 million in market value) or 31.4%. Without any laws or market incentives, the African-American and Hispanic communities voluntarily aborted 59,146 fetuses or the previously mentioned 78% of the total number of abortions performed… that is 408,107.4 pounds of wasted protein and over $20 million in today’s market value. And most if not all of those having these abortions had to actually pay for them!

Here is the socio-economic nail in the coffin of the compassionate, tender hearted opposition to this program: 69% of all those having abortions are economically disadvantaged, meaning most of them are probably on some form of public assistance, meaning welfare. I publically thank Planned Parenthood for their foresight and service to America and the world, for they have proven beyond all doubt that the Envirobortion Program will work and work well.

The Envirobortion Program does not require government enforcement, for participation is voluntary. There is no heavy-handed government enforcement as in National Socialist Germany. There are no official government squads rounding up people and forcing them to abort their fetuses. There are no racial, ethnic, cultural or religious cleansing laws. There are no judicial proceedings.
Participation in the program is completely voluntary. It is self-funding and market-driven and thus “invisible” as the “invisible hand” of a benevolent government directs the “invisible hand” of the market place to save Mother Earth. It extends a woman’s right to choose and makes that choice profitable. The populations least capable of caring for unplanned and probably unwanted offspring are the populations most likely to volunteer to participate as Planned Parenthood has proven.

The result of participation in the program is a slow but steady decline in Mother Earth’s human populations which reduce the stress on the environment, first in the United States and Europe and eventually in the entire world as the United Nations expands the program internationally. As the world’s population decreases, the need for electricity and other forms of energy for transportation, cell phones, tablets, clothing, shelter and other necessities such as food will decrease and as the need decreases, pollution and man-created destruction of the environment will be reduced and eventually eliminated.

There will be a growing and eventually significant increase in environmentally safe protein as a food source resulting in a decrease in environmentally destructive methane from cattle as the need for beef is reduced. Cattle herds will still exist but in much smaller numbers, so there will still be a supply of such delicacies as rib-eye steaks for those who can afford it. And science will have the best fetal tissue for the medical research that will lead to the elimination of such terrible diseases as Alzheimer’s and perhaps even lead to the development of growable replacement human parts.

This description of the Envirobortion Program is quite general and needs much fleshing out. However, I firmly believe that it is the answer to today’s environmental conundrum. It is a multi-faceted program that will work and work well within the cultural, economic and legal limitations of our age and it will slow-boil the forces of environmental destruction until they are lobster red and quite dead… a process that gives the human populations time to adjust. Implement the Envirobortion Program and the sky will be the limit… a clear, bright, pollution free sky!

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The Great Nose-Hair National Crisis: Another Republican Scandal

I have collected a series of newspaper and blog articles about a growing national crisis which has become known as “The Great Nose-Hair Imbroglio”… lest we forget this threatening national crisis now that the Republicans have control of the House and the Senate and have stolen the Presidency from Hillary Clinton as a result of Donald Trump’s well documented collusion with Vladimir Putin and the Russian government.

The imbroglio begins with the tragic deaths of two individuals. First was the death of the renown owner of Tinklesworth Pharmaceuticals, Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth, Esquire, who is believed to have drowned when the Italian cruise ship the Costa Concordia ran aground and sank off the coast of Isola del Giglio, Tuscany, Italy. Second was the death of William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile, who died in an automobile accident in New Tampa, Florida. Both deaths are attributed to the mysterious and unprecedented growth of the nose hair of both these individuals.

The growth of nose hair has become a national crisis and the Democrat Party has attempted to martial the United States government to deal with this national crisis. However, the Republican Party has done all it can to cripple this effort with their ridiculous contention that the cost of this effort could add to the national deficit.

The Imbroglio is complicated by law suits and counter law suits within the Tinklesworth family as members of that family fight over who is to inherit the Tinklesworth fortune and by a law suit to determine who is financially responsible for the tragic automobile crash.

— Kramer Killread Esquire, Editor-in-chief
Guide to Sane Automobile Repair

 

147th Nose-hair Growth Fatality Reported on
Interstate I-75

73 year-old Driver Killed After Being Trapped by Girl Friend’s Nose-hair During Inadvertent Embrace

National crisis looms

By Kramer Killread the 1st Esquire, Editor-in-Chief
Guide to Sane Automobile Repair

New Tampa, Florida – On Tuesday last, William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile became the 147th victim in a long list of fatalities on the highways of America as a result of the unprecedented growth of nose-hair in the population of America raising fears with local, state and federal officials that America was facing a crisis of epidemic proportions.
In an exclusive interview with Mrs. Thomasine Tinklesworth, 23, Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile’s girl friend, I learned the intimate details of this tragedy. In the interest of truth, justice and the American way, I feel obligated to also report that Mrs. Tinklesworth and I had a short and very temporary relationship on the cruise ship Costa Concordia last year. The relationship lasted for a mere and very unsatisfying 7 minutes and was interrupted by the grounding and sinking of that cruise ship in Italian waters. And I am obligated to point out that this unsatisfactory relationship had absolutely nothing to do with the eventual grounding and sinking of that cruise ship! Furthermore, my relationship with Mrs. Tinklesworth did not involve unnatural acts in the normal understanding of that word as was initially reported by the online news service Medium Matters and later picked up by the New York Times and reported verbatim (verification not required) on their sports page since Mrs. Tinklesworth had been the 2010 junior national champion of Extreme Bikini Curling.

At the time of this very temporary and unsatisfying relationship, Mrs. Tinklesworth’s husband, the late Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth, Esquire, was at his appointment with the Costa Concordia Tonsorial Parlor in hopes of dealing with what is believed to be the inadvertent growth of his nose hair. Unfortunately, Mr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth died during that tragic grounding and eventual sinking of the Costa Concordia. There are certain unproven indications that his nose hair became entangled with the safety catch of his life jacket preventing him from securing said life jacket about his person. Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth, Esquire, is believed to be the first person to die as a result of nose hair growth on the high seas causing the Federal Maritime Commission (FMC) to launch a $250 million investigation into the incident.

Representative Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House Minority Leader, in a press conference after the reporting of Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile’s tragic death in an automobile crash as a result of the nose hair epidemic, stated, “The Republican Party’s intransigence, as evidenced by House Speaker Boehner’s outrageous proposals to limit the growth in the funding for such important federal agencies as the Federal Maritime Commission, is yet another example of how the Republican Party is at war with the women of America and is attempting to make the women of America second class citizens and deny them access to birth control.”

 

Obituaries for Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth, Esquire, and Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile

Below are the obituaries for Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth, Esquire, and Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile published by the independent A P-P Unbiased Wire Service. Dr. Tinklesworth is thought to be the first American to die at sea as a result of the nose-hair epidemic threatening to destroy Western Civilization in general and American civilization in particular. Mr. Turnstile is the 147th victim of the nose-hair epidemic to die in a traffic accident.

The now deceased Dr. Tinklesworth was the husband of his recently widowed bride, Thomasine Tinklesworth, who claims Dr. Tinklesworth’s estate and ownership of Tinklesworth Pharmaceuticals, estimated to be worth $1.7 billion.

In a related story, Mrs. Tinklesworth has initiated an almost wrongful death suit against the estate of Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile, the 147th automobile fatality as a result of the dreaded nose-hair epidemic.

Mrs. Tinklesworth characterizes her treatment at the hands of both the Tinklesworth and Turnstile estates as “no bucking way to treat the women of America!” For more details, see the obituaries for Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth, Esquire, and Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile below.

— Kramer Killread Esquire, Editor-in-Chief
Guide to Sane Automobile Repair

 

Obituary for Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth, Esquire

Inventor of the “On the Go-Go Urine Purifier” is first American to die at sea as a result of the Nose-Hair Epidemic

A P-P Unbiased Wire Service

New Tampa, Florida — Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth Esquire, 78, sole owner of Tinklesworth Pharmaceuticals, and major contributor to President Obama’s presidential campaign, died tragically when the cruise ship the Costa Concordia ran aground and sunk in Italian waters.

Dr. Tinklesworth is believed to be the first American to die at sea as a result the nose-hair epidemic that is threatening western civilization in general and American civilization in particular. The Obama administration is using the power of the federal government to do everything humanly possible to fight this insidious epidemic in spite of Congressional Republican intransigence.

Representative Nancy Pelosi, Democrat House Minority Leader, in a press conference after Tinklesworth’s inquest, stated, “The Republican intransigence, as evidenced by Republican Senator McConnell’s outrageous proposal to reduce the Obama Administration’s Nasal-Hair Czar J. Smedley Snodgrass’s funding request to dangerously low levels, is yet another example of how the Republican Party is attempting to make all the women of America second class citizens and deny them access to birth control.”

Dr. Tinklesworth invented the wildly popular On the Go-Go Urine Purifier (the OGGUP), which produces “purified” urine and blood samples masking the presence of drugs in both urine and blood tests. The OGGUP, a small tablet that an individual places under his or her tongue 10 minutes before providing a urine or blood sample for testing, has the side-effect of producing a chemically undetectable high known on the street as “pee drinkers paradise” (the PDP high) after a consumer of the OGGUP tablet drinks a small amount of his or her own urine, termed pissing up on the street.

The OGGUP also has a high concentration of Vitamin K and can be used as a dietary supplement. It has been approved by the Czar now in charge of the FDA and is thus sold over-the-counter as a very popular dietary supplement.

 

Obituary for Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile

73 year-old who led the effort to bring transgender rest rooms to New Tampa mourned by community

A P-P Unbiased Wire Service

New Tampa, Florida — Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile, 73, the 147th victim of the nose hair epidemic, passed on to his eternal reward Tuesday last after his automobile crashed through the railing of the temporary bridge overpass on I-75 above Bruce B Downs Avenue. His vehicle, a battery powered Humvee weighing 140 tons, landed on the experimental transgendered public rest room facility that was built on Bruce B Downs through his lobbying efforts that got the $18 million dollar shovel-ready project included in the Obama administration’s economic stimulus package.

Mr. Turnstile was apparently in the romantic embraces of his companion of 4 days and 5 nights, the widow Mrs. Thomasine Tinklesworth, 23, when the tragedy occurred. Mrs. Tinklesworth was unhurt in the accident.

Ron Gettelfinger, President of the United Automobile Workers Union (UAW) and chairman of the special investigative committee appointed by Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood, reported that there are certain indications that the accident occurred because Mr. Turnstile’s nose hair got entangled with Mrs. Tinklesworth’s nose hair. Apparently when Mrs. Tinklesworth pulled back in an attempt to free herself from the grasp of Mr. Turnstile’s nose hair, she inadvertently forced Mr. Turnstile’s nasal passages to close causing Mr. Turnstile to have difficulty breathing. As Mr. Turnstile opened his mouth to breathe through that orifice, Mrs. Tinklesworth, fearing that Mr. Turnstile was about to scream, placed her hand over his mouth resulting in his passing out. According to testimony before the hastily formed UAW Special Investigative Committee on the nose hair growth epidemic, Mrs. Tinklesworth stated that she suffers from a rather acute hearing problem and that loud noises cause her to suffer incontinence which is why she placed her hand over Mr. Turnstile’s mouth since she did not want to embarrassingly wet her panties. The UAW’s report concluded that the cause of the accident was Congressional Republicans’ support of former President George Bush’s anti-union policies.

Exactly what Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile’s eternal reward will be is being contested by Mrs. Thomasine Tinklesworth. At a press conference arranged by Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chairwoman of the Democrat National Committee, Mrs. Tinklesworth, who may have recently inherited the Tinklesworth fortune, stated that Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile will have to spend a considerable amount of time in purgatory as a result of his destruction of America’s first fully function transgender public rest room. She re-iterated that some things are unforgivable and one must pay for the unforgivable and that if the payment is large enough, the unforgivable becomes forgivable. Mrs. Tinklesworth is planning to initiate an almost wrongful death suit against Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile’s estate.
In support of Mrs. Tinklesworth, Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chairwoman of the Democrat National Committee, stated, “The Republican Party’s intransigence, as evidenced by House Speaker Boehner’s outrageous proposals to limit the growth in the funding for such important federal agencies as the Federal Maritime Commission, is yet another example of how the Republican Party is at war with the women of America and is attempting to make the women of America second class citizens and deny them access to birth control.”

The transgendered community will hold a candlelight vigil at the site of the crushed first fully functional transgendered public rest room at 9:00 PM next Friday. In lieu of flowers, Mrs. Tinklesworth has requested that large amounts of money be donated to the Mrs. Thomasine Tinklesworth Defense Fund at DefendAmericanWomenfromtheRepublicansWaronThem.com. Credit card donations will be accepted and are encouraged. Mrs. Tinklesworth has also requested that all who donate to the fund also include their social security number when submitting their credit card donation.

 

Thomasine Tinklesworth submits “new will” panties claiming inheritance of $1.7 billion Tinklesworth pharmaceutical fortune

The following article is yet another example of how difficult it is to achieve informational sanity because of the Evangelicals who pollute our politics and society with their self righteousness. Read the article carefully and ask yourself the following question: “Would I be able to wear panties inscribed with the words ‘No Rear Entry’ embroidered across the rear of those panties if Evangelicals controlled our society?”

— Kramer Killread Esquire, Editor-in-Chief
Guide to Sane Automobile Repair

Widow Thomasine Tinklesworth Turns Her “New Will” Panties Over to Court

Piggy, Woody and Regina Tinklesworth contest new panty will, claiming it’s a legally soiled effort to steal their rightful inheritance

McCrotchety Unbiased Wire Service

In a stunning move in the hotly contested battle over the $1.7 billion estate of Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth, his young widow, Thomasine Tinklesworth, has submitted a pair of her panties which she claims contain a new will written just below the embroidered pink “No Rear Entry” inscription which appears across the top of the rear of the panties.

According to court records, the following text is written in indelible red ink across the panties rear panel:
“I will give you everything I own if I can do anything I want to that delicious booty of yours.”

The panties were signed “Your own Tinkypoo” and dated “January 13, 2012,” the day of Dr. Tinklesworth’s tragic maritime nasal-hair drowning when the cruise ship the Costa Concordia sank in Italian waters.

A handwriting expert hired by the widow Thomasine Tinklesworth’s legal team testified that the handwriting, although very shaky, was definitely that of Dr. Tinklesworth. In corroborating testimony, the widow Tinklesworth stated that the handwriting was shaky because she was wearing the panties at the time Dr. Tinklesworth wrote the new will on them and that her husband was filled with carnal desire at the time of the writing making the handwriting even shakier.

At the request of the legal team for the Tinklesworth adult children and their beloved German shepherd Regina, the widow Tinklesworth was required to stand before the jury and bare her panty covered buttocks so that the jury could judge the difficulty of writing a will on her panties while she was wearing them. Two facts were obvious as a result of the evidentiary display: 1) the tear-shape of the widow Tinklesworth’s more than ample buttocks would make writing on her panties while she wore them quite difficult, and 2) there would be plenty of space for the writing of an even longer will while the panties in question were being worn should the individual writing on said panties so desired.
The six male members of the jury asked to see the displayed evidence seven more times in an obvious attempt to get a clear picture of the full impact that the shape of the widow’s more than ample buttocks would have on the writing of the will on her panties while she wore them.

When the Tinklesworth adult children and their beloved German Sheppard Regina Tinklesworth contested the claim that their father wrote a new will on the widow Tinklesworth’s panties, the widow Tinklesworth’s legal team countered by contesting the legal status of Regina Tinklesworth in an attempt to get her removed from the lawsuit and thus cause severe psychological damage to Piggy, Woody and Regina Tinklesworth.

In an emergency ruling, a three judge panel of the ninth circuit court of appeals bestowed upon Regina the legal status of “individual with rights,” thus giving the German shepherd the full rights and protections of the Constitution as a citizen of the United States of America. Furthermore, the ruling declared “Since Regina Tinklesworth is a citizen of the United States, she is, under the circumstances of her adoption, the imputed daughter of Dr. Tinklesworth and thus has the legal right to join in the countersuit with Piggy and Woody Tinklesworth as their sibling.”
After the appeals court’s Judge J. Smedley Snodgrass wrote the ruling of the three-judge panel to himself on Face book, he adjourned proceedings until 3 PM tomorrow as the presiding judge.

 

Tinklesworth Children Cleared of Incestuous Bestial Polygamy by Ninth Circuit Three Judge Panel

German shepherd Regina Tinklesworth ordered returned to Miss Piggy Tinklesworth and Woody Tinklesworth, the adult children of recently deceased Dr. Philip “Pee Man” Tinklesworth, and can now resume their polyonimous polyspecies polysexual intra-family throuple marriage

Three Judge panel declares Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, invalidates companion Utah statute and returns former state of Utah to status of territory under federal control

McCrotchety Unbiased Wire Service

 

The Obama administration won a hard fought and constitutionally significant victory yesterday when a three judge panel from the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit struck down the federal government’s Defense of Marriage Act. In so doing, the three judge panel also struck down Utah’s companion legislation, worded exactly like the federal statue. It’s is the first time in U.S. history that the Justice Department represented both sides of a case before the federal bench.

Appeals Court Judge J. Smedley Snodgrass, who is also Very Under-Secretary of the U.S. Department of Transportation and Nasal Hair Czar of the Obama administration, wrote in a unanimous opinion: “The Defense of Marriage Act is an affront to Western Civilization by confining the wonderful institution of marriage to one woman and one man. Individuals have the civil right to marry whomever or whatever they wish whenever they wish as often as they wish. Besides, since the federal government never submitted a brief in defense of the Defense of Marriage Act… in fact, the legal team never appeared in this court… and since Attorney General Eric Holder presented a brilliant argument in defense of the Tinklesworth children’s civil right to form a loving marriage with their beloved German shepherd Regina Tinklesworth and with each other, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has no choice but to declare the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional and orders the immediate return of the individual known as Regina Tinklesworth to Miss Piggy Tinklesworth and Woody Tinklesworth post haste. The court also orders the State of Utah returned to the status of federal territory as a result of their passing of the unconstitutional Utah Defense of Marriage Act. That state is an affront to Western Civilization and has proven itself incapable of governing in accordance with the principles of democracy as defined by our Constitution as interpreted by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.”

After the decision, close friend of the Tinklesworth children, Ted Danson, the famous actor and maritime environmentalist, read the following statement, “We are heartened by the very fine decision of the Ninth Circuit. We thank Attorney General Holder for his incredible defense of the civil rights of Piggy and Woody, who anxiously await with open and loving arms for the return of their beloved Regina to resume their polyonimous polyspecies polysexual intra-family throuple marriage. The state of Utah… make that the territory of Utah… got what it deserved! The Tinklesworths are now free to contest the will submitted by that gold digger Thomasine Tinklesworth in which she fraudulently lays claim to the $1.7 billion Tinklesworth pharmaceutical fortune as a result of the unfortunate death of their beloved father, Dr. Philip ‘Pee Man’ Tinklesworth.”

 

Government Concerned about Growing Number of Nose-hair Road Fatalities

Joint Congressional Committee to Take Action in Spite of Republican Intransigence

A P-P Unbiased Wire Service

“Nasal hair is becoming a major threat to the safety of America’s transportation systems amongst other deleterious effects on all middle class Americans whose very existence is being threatened by Republican support for the top 1% of Americans who don’t pay their fair share!” So stated J. Smedley Snodgrass, Very Under-Secretary of the U.S. Department of Transportation and Nasal Hair Czar of the Obama administration, in testimony before the very prestigious and important joint Congressional Committee on Public Olfactory Occupational Health (the POOH).

Mr. Smedley Snodgrass, elaborating on this threat to the economic health of the United States, stated unequivocally that nasal hair growth in the United States has reached unprecedented and dangerously high rates and has become a major threat to the transportation systems of the United States. This threat is affecting every middle class American’s ability to drive and smell and is a direct result of Republican congressional intransigence, which is the result of Republican negativity in the do-nothing Congress and the Republican Party’s unprecedented support of the top 1% of Americans, who don’t pay their fair share.

Mr. Smedley Snodgrass cited the Agricultural Department’s $500 million study that was a major part of the Obama administration’s economic stimulus package as absolute proof and requested a $1.34 trillion appropriation to develop a plan to combat this major threat to America’s middle class.

Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut supported Mr. Smedley Snodgrass’s request, stating, “Czar Smedley Snodgrass is a man of great integrity as proved by his lack of participation in the waitress sandwich activity that one late Senator and another unnamed senator inadvertently initiated after a late night conference to determine what could be done to support the American middle class whose very existence is being threatened by the Republican Party as a result of their unprecedented support of the top 1% of Americans, who don’t pay their fair share. My only concern is that $1.34 trillion will not be enough of an investment in America’s future. To insure that the plan developed is of the highest quality, I am requesting that all work be done by the United Automobile Workers of America and that at least $1.34 trillion be transferred immediately to that august organization, whose support of the American middle class is unprecedented, unlike the Republican Party, who support of the top 1% who don’t pay their fair share and who are destroying America’s middle class.”

Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, Republican Minority Leader, stated “Perhaps we could reduce the appropriation to $1.2999 trillion to reduce the potential addition to the deficit” in yet another example of the Republican Party’s efforts to destroy the American middle class and support the top 1%, who don’t pay their fair share.
27 Democrats on the POOH voted in support of the plan proposed by Mr. J. Smedley Snodgrass, Very Under-Secretary of the U.S. Department of Transportation and Nasal Hair Czar. Democratic Senator Dick Durban voted against the proposal on the grounds that $1.34 trillion was nowhere near enough to fund so important an effort to save the American middle class from the Republican Party who is destroying the American middle class by supporting the top 1%, who don’t pay their fair share. The 29 Republicans on the committee abstained.

The committee voted 28 to 1 with 29 abstentions in support of Senator Dodd’s request that an undisclosed appropriation be transferred to the appropriate organization to develop the plan.

Representative Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House Minority Leader, in a press conference after the hearing, stated, “The Republican intransigence, as evidenced by Senator McConnell’s outrageous proposal to reduce the funding Nasal Hair Czar Smedley Snodgrass requested to dangerously low levels, is yet another example of how the Republican Party is attempting to make all the women of America second class citizens and deny them access to birth control.”

 

Nose-hair Lab Test Results Cloud Cause of Turnstile Nose-hair Fatality

Independent Lab report apparently clears nose-hair of responsibility

American Way criticizes right-wing lab report

A P-P Unbiased Wire Service

The cause of the automobile accident in which William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile was killed has been clouded by a controversial lab report. Mr. Turnstile, believed to be America’s 147th Nose-hair growth highway fatality, is thought to have died when his 140 ton electric custom Humvee ran off a bridge on I-75 and crashed onto Bruce B Downs in New Tampa, Florida, during an inadvertent embrace from his companion Mrs. Thomasine Tinklesworth. Mr. Turnstile is believed to have passed out during the embrace when his nose hair became entangled with that of Mrs. Thomasine Tinklesworth causing him to lose control of his Humvee.

Independent Lab, a self-proclaimed independent lab, whose independence is being doubted by the independent American Way Foundation for an Equal and Just America, issued a report that claims that the nose-hair responsible for William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile’s death was in fact not nose hair at all.
Dr. William Trickle, Independent Lab manager, said, upon releasing the controversial report, “We are pretty sure that the nose hair we tested was or wasn’t two things.
“First it was not hair from a nose. Although we are unsure of where on the body the hair found mingled in Mr. Turnstile’s nose hair came from, it was definitely not from a nose. The tested hair was short and curly and did not possess the characteristics common to nose hair.

“Second, where ever on the body that faux nose hair was originally located, DNA testing proves all but conclusively that that location was on the body of the widow Mrs. Thomasine Tinklesworth.

“We also did extensive testing on Mr. Turnstile’s position at the time of death, and we’re pretty sure he wasn’t in a seated position. While still driving, he appears to have been bent at the waist and in a semi-prone position lying face down towards the passenger’s front seat calling into question the belief that Mr. William “Bucky Buckaroo” Turnstile and the widow Thomasine Tinklesworth were in an embrace involving nose-to-nose contact. While one nose was in some form of bodily contact, a second nose was not according to the evidence we’ve analyzed.”

American Way Foundation for an Equal and Just America issued the following blistering criticism of the report: “The Independent Lab is a tool of the extremist right wing of the Republican Party and an outrageous attempt to undermine the magnificent efforts of the federal government to protect Americans from their nose hair and preserve the integrity of their faces. Contrary to what the rightwing Independent Lab has concluded, the nose-hair growth epidemic may have spread to other parts of the body, making the epidemic worse and requiring even more funding from the federal government. It behooves us to protect the integrity of almost the entire American body and not just the nose.”
Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut, the Senate Democrat who is considered the go-to Senator for all laws dealing with issues below the American waist, has proposed the Integrity of the American Body Below the Waist Act (the IABBWA) with a $2 trillion budget to expand the nose-hair growth activities of the federal government to all areas of the body below the American waist. Presently, the legislation does not deal with the area from the chin to the waist, but a separate joint Congressional Committee will hold hearings to develop legislation to deal with the integrity of this area of the American body. Presently there are no plans to develop legislation for the integrity of the contents of the American skull.

Senator Dodd stated that since the IABBWA deals with waist, he recommends that the $2 trillion be allocated to the International Brotherhood of Waste Hauling Teamsters and be administered by Teamster’s President Jimmy Hoffa Jr.
Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, Republican Minority Leader, stated, “Perhaps we could reduce the appropriation to $1.9999 trillion to reduce the potential addition to the deficit” in yet another example of the Republican Party’s efforts to destroy the American middle class and support the wealthy 1%, who don’t pay their fair share.
Democratic Senate Majority Leader Hairy Reid, in a press conference after the hearing, stated, “The Republican intransigence, as evidenced by Senator McConnell’s outrageous proposal to reduce the funding for the IBBW to dangerously low levels, is yet another example of how the Republican Party is attempting to make all the women of America second class citizens and deny them access to birth control.”

Trump Administration and Congressional Republicans Cut Funding to Fight Dire Impending Existential National Safety and Health Crisis

 

According to Recently Uncovered Addendum to the Trump Dossier

Move Made at Vladimir Putin’s Demand

Rooters Unbiased Wire Service

Rarely does this great nation face existential threats such as the attack on Pearl Harbor and World War 2. However, we are facing such a threat today. A safety and health crisis is lurking and about to bounce on America, a crisis that will destroy the American middle class.

And what is the response of the Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell? To starve the effort to defeat this existential threat by cutting the funding necessary to defeat it! We speak of the nose hair national crisis. At least 148 Americans have already succumbed to this dreadful threat to our existence while Trump fiddles away in White House Nerorian splendor singing, no droning away about North Korea and terrorism and immigration while this existential crisis deepens and the country is about to burn.

In the recent budget reconciliation bill, Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reduced the initial funding to defeat this existential threat from $3.4 billion to $3.399 billion with Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan’s support.
As a sop to America’s middle class and American women, both of these political hacks have allowed the funding to continue to flow to that outstanding patriot, Mr. J. Smedley Snodgrass, Very Under-Secretary of the U.S. Department of Transportation and Nasal Hair Czar, even though he no longer holds those positions in the federal government, and to the United Automobile Workers of America. The $2 trillion allocated to the International Brotherhood of Waste Hauling Teamsters Investigating Committee will also be continued and will be administered by Teamster’s President Jimmy Hoffa Jr.
Rooters Unbiased Wire Service has learned that this disastrous cut in funding was made at the demand of Donald Trump. Why did he make this outrageous demand in spite of the existential threat to the United States and the dire consequences to America’s middle class and America’s women? Because Vladimir Putin demanded it, that’s why!

Unidentified intelligence sources in the FBI and CIA have confirmed that they have in their possession an addendum to the Trump Dossier that documents the demand made by Vladimir Putin for Trump to take such action.

As proof of the authenticity of the addendum, the unidentified FBI and CIA sources say that the addendum has yellow stains and that these yellow stains have been analyzed and are urine stains. The urine causing these stains has been traced through DNA analysis to four prostitutes living in Moscow and to that of Vladimir Putin himself.
In a joint statement released today, Democrat Minority House Leader Nancy Pelosi and Democrat Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer stated with great clarity and truthfulness that, and we quote, “this cut in funding threatens the very existence of the United States and is yet another example of the Republican Party’s attempt to make all the women of America second class citizens and to deny them access to birth control while destroying the American middleclass by supporting the top 1% who don’t pay their fair share!” Never truer words were ever spoken! Could Abraham Lincoln put it better?

Oxbow Lake’s Shakespearean letter to the editors of the Tampa Bay Times

We at the New Tampa Guide to Sane Automobile Repair will be publishing commentary on current events, particularly as those events are depicted and commented on by the Tampa Bay Times and its quite overly progressive editors.

Below is a letter that the great contemporary writer Oxbow Lake the 2nd sent to the editorial page of the Times.  Mr. Lake is the author of two hysterically humorous and satiric award winning novels: The Posse of Little Horses and Spanking Yesterday.

Kramer Killread, Esquire, Editor-in-Chief and Sage of New Tampa

 

June 18, 2016

Of Editors, Hobgoblins and Terrorists

Turn away, you saucy fellows,

From your haunting hobgoblins of the frosty past

And face the swarthy Saracens

Who will drink your blood

… and the blood of your children

… and your children’s children

Until you are no more.

 

Oxbow Lake the 2nd

Kamikaze Reihan Salam and his Conservative Comrades

Analysis of an Inane and Insane Political Strategy

By Kramer Killread, Esquire, Editor-in-Chief and Sage of New Tampa

 

Yesterday I read this article by Kamikaze Reihan Salam entitled “Against Trump, with the GOP” in that far left rag of a newspaper called The Tampa Bay Times, a newspaper that is an insult to birdcages and dead fish.  (This particular Times recently bought and killed the now quite dead Tampa Bay Tribune, a very slightly right of center newspaper which seemed to be to the far right of center since its competition was the Tampa Bay Times… but that’s a story for another column by yours truly.)

As you’ve probably guessed, Mr. Salam’s name doesn’t really begin with “Kamikaze”.  I added the “Kamikaze” because I believe that it accurately describes Mr. Salam’s very core principle: keep control of as much of the GOP’s “considerable resources” as possible even if you have to turn the Grand Old Party into a stinking and rotting political corpse to do so.  Why do I say such a thing?  Because I read his aforementioned article.

In that article Mr. Kamikaze states that “The rise of Trump has convinced many of my conservative comrades (which apparently includes the Kamikaze his very self) that the GOP is a cesspool.”  First, I find it very interesting that he uses the word “comrade” to describe his conservative fellow travelers.  That’s a word that dedicated Communists use to describe their fellow travelers.  Maybe I should have used the name Comrade Reihan Salam.  On second thought, I’ll stick with Kamikaze as it has a nicer ring to it.

So according to the Kamikaze, all those who voted for Mr. Trump in the primaries have turned the GOP into a cesspool.  Wow!  Mr. Kamikaze and his conservative fellow traveling comrades are the pure and the rest of us are the cesspool.

He unequivocally states that “I won’t vote for Donald Trump, and if Mitt Romney ran for president as a third-party candidate, I’d vote for him with pride.  But in the long term I’m sticking with the GOP”… the long term being rather short for the Kamikaze and his fellow traveling conservative comrades  given his political strategy.

Let’s examine the results of not voting for Trump and voting for a third party.  Hillary Clinton will win the Presidency.  She will appoint as many as four and possibly five far left Supreme Court judges.  Even with a Republican Senate she will eventually get them confirmed…  insuring far left judicial rulings for generations.  The borders will remain open and low skill poor illegal aliens will continue to flood the country.  They will eventually get the right to vote and turn the rest of America into California.  Has Mr. Kamikaze taken a look at what’s happened to California as a result of illegal immigration?  A far left Supreme Court and unchecked illegal immigration are existential threats and will change America forever.  Hmmmmmmmm.

As to voting for former GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney “with pride”, Mr. Kamikaze is throwing his support to a loser… and not just any loser.  Mr. Romney and his socialist minions authored baby Obama Care in Massachusetts, that far left state that elected conservative Mitt governor.  Now there’s a conservative to proudly vote for:  a conservative from Massachusetts, home of such conservatives as the thankfully dead “Lion of the Senate” Ted Kennedy and that “pow wow Indian Princess” Elizabeth Warren.

Now granted the Donald ain’t yer regler type President candidate.  But he says he will build that wall along the Mexican border.  He says he will stop illegal immigration.  He says he will appoint conservative, pro-life judges to the Supreme Court.  The Donald has even committed to releasing a list of his potential Supreme Court picks during the campaign.  Now who should the Kamikaze and all his fellow traveling conservative comrades vote for?  Hillary?  Are they out of their self-centered, power grabbing, ideological, rectal encephalitic minds?  Apparently.

Then there’s this question: Why would the far left Tampa Bay Times, a newspaper dedicated to turn Florida into a Hillary shade of blue in the next presidential election, print Mr. Kamikaze Reihan Salam’s article?  I leave it up to the reader to add 2 and 2 and come up with 4.  Mr. Kamikaze, purported to be the executive editor for the National Review, in all his Ivy League brilliance, has apparently come up with the number  3.141592653589793238462.  Thank you Harvard.

Mr. Kamikaze’s ideological airplane needs no landing gear so he has no need to write another article… which I enthusiastically look forward to NOT reading!

Brambleton Beatdown Reveals Difficulty Reporting Certain Kinds of “Crime”

Editor for The New Tampa Guide to Sane Automobile Repair gives key note address at The New Tampa Association for Sane News Reportage

Proposes “negation positivity” and sensitivity training to improve “crime” reportage, promote informational sanity

 AAP

New Tampa, Florida – At the annual convention for The New Tampa Association for Sane News Reportage (more commonly known as the NTAFSNR), Kramer Killread Esquire, Editor in Chief for The New Tampa Guide to Sane Automobile Repair, proposed “negation positivity” and extensive cultural sensitivity training to improve the accuracy of “crime” reportage in America while maintaining unbiasement.  The proposal promotes informational sanity in a society that desperately needs it… what with all the right wing hate mongering, racist insanity that passes for conservative opinion today. 

Killread made the proposal during his keynote address entitled “The State of ‘Crime’ Reportage in America Today and a Proposal to Improve It”.

In the keynote address, Killread described a recent incident that occurred sometime in April where two reporters for The Virginian-Pilot were greeted by a gathering of somewhere between 30 and 100 young people at the corner of Church and Brambleton in Norfolk, Virginia.  The two reporters had the opportunity to participate in what Killread described as a beatdown ceremony… in this case, a “Brambleton Beatdown.” 

The two reporters, Dave Forster and Marjon Rostami, were returning from a concert when someone inadvertently threw a rock through Rostami’s car window.  Forster foolishly got out of the car inciting a confrontation with the inadvertent rock thrower and an inadvertent gathering of youth that happened to be present.  The inadvertent gathering of youth, following a long-standing cultural tradition in Norfolk, initiated a “beatdown” ceremony.  Both reporters participated in said ceremony and after the ceremony both reporters skipped a week of work claiming their absence was caused by their participation in the beatdown ceremony although they presented no evidence to support this claim. 

Two weeks later, Michele Washington, an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot, wrote an opinion piece describing the incident.  The opinion piece was the first time there was any mention of the incident in that newspaper.   In the 19th paragraph of the opinion piece, Washington mentions that the beatdowners were black and the beatdownees were white, but fails to mention the that the incident was a “beatdown” ceremony, which is a cherished cultural tradition in much of the black community in Norfolk, Virginia.  Even the police in Norfolk recognize the tradition and are unperturbed when such a ceremony is performed, considering such an event to be a cultural traditional that is so common that there’s no need to even report such an event when it occurs.  The Virginian-Pilot issued no reportage on the event.   

The dreadful Drudge Report carried Washington’s opinion piece causing it to go national, erupting a firestorm of unwarranted indignation by the far right extremist racist kooks who inhabit that region of talk radio and the blogosphere. 

The Virginian-Pilot later defended its decision to not report the incident writing that they did not want to give the appearance of favoritism by reporting an incident that involved two of their reporters.  However, Killread believes The Virginian-Pilot did not report the incident because the editors feared the unwarranted racist firestorm that would ignite if they reported the incident in the traditional manner, which is the only manner they apparently know.  What occurred after the dreadful Drudge posted Washington’s opinion piece confirms that their fears were not unwarranted.

Killread posed the following question: how can “crime” reportage report an incident such as occurred in Norfolk in such a way that the reportage is more accurate and culturally sensitive while maintaining unbiasement?

Killread’s answer: “negation positivity” and a healthy dose of required sensitivity training!

Killread used the very first sentence of Washington’s opinion piece to illustrate how “negation positivity” works when coupled with a sensitivity to cultural tradition.  In that opening sentence, Washington writes: “Wave after wave of young men surged forward punching and kicking their victim.”

While the sentence is true in a quasi-factual obtuse kind of way, Killread notes that it is not fully descriptive of what happened and certainly not a very sensitive portrayal of a valued cultural tradition.  Thus it is not accurate “crime” reportage.  If Washington were to describe the incident as involving “Wave after wave of black men”, can you imagine the misunderstanding and outrage that would erupt in the racist kooks of the far right!

Killread illustrated culturally sensitive “negation positivity” by changing Washington’s first sentence to read as follows:

“Following a long-standing cultural tradition, wave after wave of non-white, non-Asian, non white Hispanic, non regular Hispanic, non Native American young men surged forward and enthusiastically performed a cultural ceremony known as the beatdown, openingly welcoming two reporters from The Virginian Pilot newspaper to participate in the traditional ceremony.“

Killread offers culturally sensitive “negation positivity” to America’s reporters as a way to increase the accuracy of their “crime” reportage while doing so in a manner that maintains unbiasement and cultural sensitivity and thus does not incite the racist kook far right that has forced American “crime” reportage to become ambiguous in its attempt to eliminate biased “crime” reportage that causes racism to increase in the aforementioned regions of right wing talk radio and its insidious blogosphere.

Furthermore, Killread suggested that all reporters be required, by federal statute if necessary, to receive extensive training in the cultural traditions of the non-white, non-Asian, non white Hispanic, non regular Hispanic, non Native American community to further unbiasement and sensitivity in their “crime” reportage.  For those in journalism programs in our colleges and universities, Killread stated such rigorous training should be required for graduation.

Killread received a standing ovation from the conference attendees, all of whom were graduates of schools of journalism.

Local Organization Supports Dietary Changes in Public Schools to Improve the Intelligence of American Children

New Tampa  Association for a Sane Diet to Improve Juvenile Intelligence (the NTASDIJI) Supports New Dietary Supplement to Improve SAT Scores

NTASDIJI seeks to shore up national security and solve the  ‘box of rocks conundrum’

By Cynthia Smarty, New Tampa Postal Gazetteer

New Tampa, Florida – A newly released and chilling report on SAT scores shows  that SAT scores have dropped precipitously over the last year and critical reading skills are the lowest in 40 years.  Average 2011 test takers’ scores are down by 3 points in critical reading, down by 2 points in writing and down by 1 point in math… all in just one year.  From an educational standpoint, these scores are going down like President Reagan’s IQ! The critical reading skills scores in 1972 were 530.  By 2011, the average scores were down to 514, a very significant 26-point drop… going down like President Bush’s IQ!

Augustus B. Landfills, President of the New Tampa Association for a Sane Diet to Improve Juvenile Intelligence (the NTASDIJI), commenting on the newly released report, said, “As bad as the report pictures the decline in American intelligence, it actually mineralizes the severity of a trend which began in 1967 after fifty years of increasing scores.  Since 1967 our children have lost the equivalent of 1.25 years of education ending an historic trend of increasing scores on standardized tests.  For example, the men who fought in WWII scored three grade levels above WWI soldiers on standardized tests, and average scores on IQ tests were rising 3.1 IQ points per decade… that is until 1967.

“This drop is puzzling given the fact that since 1967, we have significantly increased our spending on our children’s education.  Every year we spend more.  Last year alone, the federal, state and local governments invested close to $1 trillion, admittedly a modest but significant investment, in the National Education Association through direct and indirect investments to improve the quality of instruction in our public schools.  What’s been the result of this increased investment?  The more we spend, the dumber our children get.  The truth is our children are becoming dumber than a box of rocks.  If this trend isn’t reversed, America will become a nation of blithering idiots by November of 2012. Hell, we’re well on our way given the lack of support amongst the younger generation for Obamacare and Social Security!

“Why is this?  Well, the NTASDIJI has done an extensive study to determine what has caused the disastrous and precipitous drop in the intelligence of American children and what can be done to reverse what we call ‘the box of rocks conundrum.’  We’ve determined after extensive consultations with the National Education Association and their very careful and accurate self assessment that the quality of instruction in our public schools has increased each year with each additional dollar spent.  Thus the drop in educational level can’t be attributed to a drop in the quality of our teachers since that quality has actually increased as their self assessment makes all too obvious, making the drop in juvenile intelligence even more mystifying.

“We consulted with the Obama administration’s Family Czar, the esteemed Dr. Wellsley Wickingham, PhD, about the health of the American family, and Czar Dr. Wellsley Wickingham, PhD, told us that the quality of the American family is the best it has ever been.  As proof, he noted that through Planned Parenthood’s Juvenile Freedom from Unwanted Pregnancies Program (the JFFUPP), funded by the Obama administration’s Save the Children executive order, children are no longer handicapped by unwanted pregnancies or the fear of unwanted pregnancies.  And J. Smedley Snodgrass, Very Under-Secretary of the U.S. Department of Transportation, Nasal Hair Czar and Appeals Court Judge for the Ninth federal circuit, told us that through regulatory extensions to the Integrity of the American Body Below the Waste Act, the IABBWA, American families now have the best medical care in the world for free and medical care is only going to increase in quality and availability while decreasing in cost when Obamacare is fully implemented.

“We then spoke with the Obama administration’s Food Czar, Dr. J. Crouch Comely, PhD, who told us that the Obama administration has enrolled over 200 million American citizens and an additional 50 million presumptive American citizens in the food stamp program so the American family is well fed at home.  However, Food Czar, Dr. J. Crouch Comely, PhD, told us that his food czarship did not cover meals provided through the public school system’s breakfast, lunch, and supper programs and so he could not vouch for the quality of those meals.  He referred us to President of the Service Employees International Union (the SEIU), Mary Kay Henry.

After the  NTASDIJI met with SEIU President Mary Kay Henry, she issued the following statement:

“That American children are becoming dumber than a box of rocks is no longer debatable in spite of the box of rocks deniers that make up the Republican party.  Recent very scientific studies  have linked the ability to think to cholesterol.  Cholesterol changes the shape of proteins in the brain that stimulate the ability to think and increase that ability by a factor of five.

“And American children’s inability to think properly has become a national security issue.   The members of the Service Employees International Union are ready to do their patriotic part.  We are recommending that President Obama declare a national security emergency and issue the Patriotic Dietary Juvenile Brain Health executive order (the PDJBH) requiring the children of America to eat three meals a day, seven days a week, at public school cafeterias.  These meals will be healthy and be designed to encourage the development of the children’s brains so that they can think better.

In order to do this, we must increase the cholesterol necessary to increase  brain activity, and so we are also recommending that the ‘pink slime’ that used to be used as a filler in beef products be replaced by SPAM.  We are cognizant of the need for our children’s meals to be healthy so we also are recommending that pink slime be replaced not by regular SPAM, but rather by SPAM Lite.  Every meal should have at least one helping of SPAM Lite, either as a filler or as an entrée.  We must dramatically increase the cholesterol intake of our children and this will do the trick.

“The SEIU is prepared to provide the additional 12 million cafeteria workers necessary to provide this service.  The patriotic SEIU is also prepared to provide a 30-minute re-education session before each meal to teach the children why it is a good program and to give them an opportunity to inform our staff of any indications that their parents are not in full support of the program.”

After the release of the above statement by the Service Employees International Union President Mary Kay Henry, Augustus B. Landfills, President of the New Tampa Association for a Sane Diet to Improve Juvenile Intelligence, the NTASDIJI, announced his organizations full support of the Patriotic Dietary Juvenile Brain Health executive order (the PDJBH).  Mr. Landfills will meet with J. Smedley Snodgrass, Very Under-Secretary of the U.S. Department of Transportation, Nasal Hair Czar and Appeals Court Judge for the Ninth federal circuit, to encourage Mr. Smedley to encourage President Obama to issue the PDJBH executive order and save America from becoming a nation of mind numbed robots and blithering idiots. 

Mr. Landfills, President of the New Tampa Association for a Sane Diet to Improve Juvenile Intelligence (the NTASDIJI), released the following statement after meeting with SEIU President Mary Kay Henry, “There is a solution to the ‘box of rocks syndrome’ which is condemning American children to becoming blithering idiots and creating a dangerous national security problem.  The solution is the SEIU proposed Patriotic Dietary Juvenile Brain Health executive order, the PDJBH.  The NTASDIJI fully supports  the patriotic actions of the SEIU and the efforts of their proposed Patriotic Dietary Juvenile Brain Health executive order, the PDJBH.  We encourage… no, we plead… with President Obama to issue this executive order poste haste to save American children from becoming blithering idiots and insure that the American democracy will remain strong.  SPAM Lite is the magic bullet and the SEIU holds the gun.  All the President has to do is load that gun with SPAM Lite and turn the SEIU loose to fire away.  After all, we are what we eat and what we don’t eat and thinking follows suit cholesterorally speaking!  Bless America, so to speak!”

Review of Steve Hamilton’s Latest Mystery Novel ‘Misery Bay’

Lisa Lazzero is our staff book reviwer.  She is also reasponsble for proofing all of our blog enties… Below is is her review of Steve Hamilton’s latest Alex McKnight mystery Misery Bay.  Unfortunately; we are unable to forward any of your commants about her review to Ms Lazzero as she is still recovering from the shock treatments recently administered to her for palliative reasons.  This blog entry was her last before receiving the afourmentioned palliative treatments and we crtainly hope not herr last..

 – Kramer Killread Esquire, Editor-in-Chief 

THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING COMMAS

A TARDY PUNCTUAL REVIEW OF STEVE HAMILTON’S MISERY BAY

By Lisa Lazzero, Certifiable Professional Punctuator and staff reviewer of books for The New Tampa Guide to Sane Automobile Repair

I have not reading, Hamilton’s latest Alex McKnight novel Misery Bay frm a ward       standpoint.  However: I have carefely read the entire novel from a punctuation, standpoint!!!  It is with great sadness… that I am obligatd to report that Mr. Hamilton, in his latest toom, did a miserible job at punctuation or the lack there of.  As a result of my very careful reading of the punctuation in this toom; I have found an incredible 2 ½ missing commas.  Need I say more?

   

SUMMARY OF OTHER REVIEWS

 “Superb…. Assured prose, a thrilling plot, and a surprising, satisfying conclusion make this a winner.”
–Publishers Weekly (starred review)

“This new entry in Hamilton’s Alex McKnight series is one of his best. … You’ll not put this down willingly, and when you do, you’ll still be thinking about it.”
–Romantic Times

“Hamilton’s compelling, vigorous prose doesn’t allow the option of taking a break.”
—Los Angeles Times

“Steve Hamilton writes the kind of stories that manly men and tough-minded women can’t resist.”
—The New York Times

“Hamilton writes tough, passionate novels…. This is crime writing at its very best.”
—George Pelecanos